The Real Full Story...

If you guys have been reading my blog posts from the beginning, you may remember My Testimony. I talked about my struggle with fear, anxiety, depression, and many other things. I talked about Jesus' redeeming love. Well, while I was writing posts about freedom, I was struggling with a different secret sin. Pornography and almost everything that goes along with it.

A little background... I grew up in a conservative Christian home. I was taught about sex but I guess I did not fully understand it. I was curious. And this curiosity lead me to such a dark and painful place, a place that I never dreamed I would be in.

Soon after my youth group and I got back from the Ramp in the Spring of 2017, I was presented with something new. The "Jesus high" had worn off and with that, I got social media. Pinterest first, the first thing I saw was a picture. It was one glance and I quickly swiped away. I knew it was wrong and at that point, I got rid of it.

Not too long after I became curious about what was in the picture. I saw on Instagram videos of couples. You follow enough hashtags and you will come to some pretty insane and disgusting things. And that is exactly what I did.

I knew how to clear my search history, on safari, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest. Yes, before I knew it, it had consumed my life and now all social media on my phone was a breeding ground for my addiction.

After months and months of watching, I became disgusted. I HATED myself. I would feel like I could throw up after every time I watched. I began to see people differently. I could not focus during church, much less anything else. It started consuming my mind at school. I began planning any way to lose my virginity, I began to see it as a burden instead of a blessing. This addiction took over my entire life.

The last few months, I knew I wanted to be set free. I was tired of being disgusted. I had tried everything in my power to break the chain, the cycle, the addiction; but, I knew that the only way I was getting out of this was Jesus.

What is crazy is that at the time, I was leading worship. I was volunteering in nursery. I was helping with our children's programs. I did everything to get me out of that service because God forbid that anyone saw me at the alter. Then they would know I was not perfect, like I had tried to convince everyone otherwise.

Posting on this blog was a huge part of my freedom. I was growing with Jesus, I did have a relationship and I was saved. But I was taking a huge detour. I was struggling by myself. No one knew that I struggled with this. I didn't let anyone in to help me. At this point, I have been drowning for almost two whole years.

July 2019, I was D O N E! I was completely disgusted with myself, ashamed, heart broken, and completely consumed with something that I didn't even want or care about anymore. I decided that I would delete social media for the month of July. Social media, the source of my porn.

That June I had decided that for my birthday that year (sweet 16), I wanted to go to the Summer Ramp conference. It actually happened to be on the exact weekend of my birthday, July 26-28th and my birthday is the 28th! What an amazing birthday gift!!

We head to Alabama, my mom, three of my friends, and me. We get there, get ready, and head to the first session that night. When I tell you Jesus wrecked me, I mean He wrecked me! I will never ever be more thankful for that night. On the way there I knew that I was giving this addiction to Jesus, that I was going to be set free. I knew it. I asked for it. And Jesus came through.

I found myself listening to Micah Wood, the pastor at Ramp Church. He shared his testimony, how he struggled with pornography. He preached a sermon called, "Get Naked" which was about us needing to come before God "naked." We need to get rid of our fig leaves, the things covering us up and get on our knees. At the end of that message, I was one of the first to the alter. I sobbed and sobbed. But guess what...

I was set free that night! I was set free from all addiction, all strongholds on my mind, perverted thoughts. Jesus became REAL to me that weekend. Yes, I believed in Him but I didn't trust Him until then. Jesus became my defender. Jesus became the source of my joy. Jesus became my deliverer.

That night I told my friends and my mom. They were a little hurt but really surprised. At school I was the "good girl" and at church I was "the pastor's kid." Let me just say, don't assume someone does not struggle because they know how to organize and act right in front of adults. I was the biggest hypocrite in that school and in our church.

I did deal with some shame. How could I have done this? Why did I let it get so far? I could not see how deep the darkness I was in was, until I was out of it. Thankfully, they ended the conference with a baptism. Now, I had been baptized before but I really just did it to make my parents happy and because I was told that I needed to, I didn't really mean it. But this time! Oh but this time! This time I walked into that water with Jesus. I allowed Him to transform me and remember what He had done just two days prior. I went down in that water, being buried with Christ, a disgusting human full of shame and hurt and insecurities and dirt and grease and everything ugly and unclean. BUT WHEN I CAME UP, I came up whole, loved, new, saved, purified, and SET FREE!! When I came up, I came up without shame. I knew that EVERY little piece of addiction to pornography was gone. And I thank God to this day and I will forever that He saved a wretch like me. That He would wash me white as snow. That He would look on me as a child, even though I did everything in the book to not deserve His love.

Now, I am over one year free from pornography! I celebrate what Jesus did. I cry tears of joy because He filled me. My heart wants to see those addicted set free. So here I am, sharing my testimony. I pray that this truth sets someone free. The whole reason I am sharing is because of these verses right here:

2 Corinthians 5:17

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come."

Ephesians 5:5

"For know and recognize this: Every sexually immoral or impure or greedy person, who is an idolater, does not have an inheritance in the kingdom of the Messiah and of God."

BUT THERE IS HOPE:

2 Corinthians 3:17

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

and

Galatians 5:13

"For you were called to be free, brothers; only don't use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love."

How do we get this freedom?

John 3:16-18

"For God so loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. Anyone who believes in Him is not condemned, but anyone who does not believe is already condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the One and Only Son of God."

Acts 13: 38-39

"Therefore, let it be known you, brothers, that through this man forgiveness of sins is being proclaimed to you, and everyone who believes in Him is justified from everything that you could not be justified from through the law of Moses."

I write this post because:

1) I felt the urge in my spirit. I could not get this verse out of my head-

John 8:31-31

"So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed Him, "If you continue in My word, you really are My disciples. You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

2) I kept hearing this quote, "What if your testimony is the key to unlocking someone else's prison."

So I write all this to say:

John 8:36

"Therefore, if the Son sets you free, you really will be free."

Be encouraged.

Above: The group that went right before the baptism!