Lord, Forgive me for my Judgemental Spirit

So, I have not been on here for a while, because, honestly, I had nothing to say. I wanted to post something great and I could come up with nothing. Finding my blog as more of a chore than a pleasure and ministry, I struggled to pray for something that I didn't really want to do. So I sat, and thought, and sat. Nothing would come to me... until Sunday during worship (go figure - isn't God so funny?).

So Sunday during worship, my mom was on the platform talking about love, and God's love for us. I was standing there, singing and worshiping and I suddenly felt really bad. I remembered a dream that I had a couple years ago. The dream goes something like this:

"I walked into and attic of like a church, I had about three friends with me. My friends and I saw a casket sitting on some stuff that was being stored. I was dared, by my 'friends' to open the casket. So I was going to open it. When I opened it, a man popped up. I was a little startled but all of my friends ran away and left me there with this man. So the man gets out (I am just staring at him) and said something around, "You stayed for a reason." (it was something of that origin). So I hug this guy, never seen him before (he was kind of short and had grey hair) but I felt very at peace with him. I hug him and found myself holding on. Then, all of a sudden, I burst into tears, totally laying my burdens on the man. I remember just crying and crying but at the end I felt so much better. I wanted to stay with this guy that I had never seen before forever."

Then I woke up, very refreshed but I am pretty sure I actually cried that night. So, during worship the Lord reminded me of this and he has already given me a revelation about this dream before. He said that, "When my friends left, I stayed." That spoke volumes to me at the time.

So, I have been praying for forgiveness all week, just noticing every area that I was a sinner. So I am up there and felt led to pray for this one woman, but then I felt convicted. I knew that I had to get the stick out of my own eye before I could pray for this woman. I am praying for forgiveness for me and my judgmental spirit.

One day later (today), my mom was helping this homeless dude who is a drug addict. After we left, I asked her, "Why do people do drugs?" I have never done drugs and I could not grasp how someone would want to do that. So she goes on to tell me that I have never not been loved. I was thinking, I really haven't. This guy she was helping has never been loved in his entire life until he came to our church. He told her that that only reason he stayed was because no other church had ever loved him like we did.

I was propelled, first my heart was broken for him and then I tried to think about a time that I hadn't been loved. I could not find a time. I could think of times I have been hurt but not unloved. So I continued thinking and I remembered my conviction on Sunday. I thought that I had never experienced the love of Christ. I was saved and I had seen His grace, mercy, faithfulness, power to work miracles, and much more; but, I thought I had never experienced Christ's love. I was wrong. God revealed to me that I had never been without it, I did not know the difference between love and God's love vs. no love. I realized that I had always been loved by the Lord, my family, and friends.

This is where the dream comes in, I was so overwhelmed by God's love that I just cried on the "man" who was a Christ figure in a dream. I never wanted to leave and I just wanted to stay in that safe place where nothing could get to me. Then, I started praying for forgiveness for anytime that I thought I was 'unloved'. I felt so bad that I ever thought that I had dealt with what these people have dealt with.

As I am writing this, I am heart broken. I don't ever want to know what it is like without Christ's love, that would literally be Hell. I am not writing these things so that you guys would be prompted to get saved just because you don't want to go to Hell, but I am writing this so that it is known that Christ's love is always there. That you know that there is someone who will always help you and someone who would be affected if you were gone. Guys, if you are in a place where you know God's love, share it! Share his love until you lose your voice. Shout it from the rooftops, and if you lose your voice, continue showing your love through your actions. Why? Because actions speak louder than words.

Right now, I honestly have no idea who sees these posts. I do not know who you are or background, I cannot judge you because I don't know you. But right now I am praying for forgiveness. Forgiveness for everyone and that they will feel it.

Repent, your sins will be forgiven, and you will never have to worry about being without God's love ever again. Now that you have been forgiven, "forgive others as Christ has forgiven you." (Colossians 3:13).